Political rant brought to you by Doug Giles, courtesy of Townhall.com. You've been warned.

Boy, the blood sucking entitlement toads are hoping and praying that Obama will win this election because they are smellin’ free candy! Everybody gets free candy! Yep, the ubiquitous handout mooches across our formerly great land are fully aroused at Barack’s promise to “spread the wealth.”
I guarantee the hard-working “Joes” out there who have worked their plumber butts off 10-12 hours a day for the last decade aren’t too jazzed at the prospects of Obama Robin Hooding their hard-earned cash on behalf of a crack whore, a criminal alien or a costume jewelry wearing welfare brat who’s also sporting a teeth grill and donning $100 Nikes.
Spread the wealth . . . please.
I believe Moses and Jesus call that “wealth spreading” theft. Obama is spreading something, but it ain’t wealth. It smells a tad different. I am astonished that Barack can boldly and publicly table that socialist bunkum and we don’t shout him down, utterly ignore him, and buy him a one-way coach ticket to Havana.
Personally, I’d like Joe the Plumber to keep his cash. In addition, I don’t want a dime from the government. The only two things I want from the government are for them to leave me alone and keep the terrorist groups that have endorsed Barack Obama from bombing our collective backside both at home and abroad.
Now for those of you young people who do not like the prospects and the strings attached to living off the government welfare tit, herewith is one simple little ditty to keep you ruggedly independent and never in need of a penny of Joe the Plumber’s hard-earned cash.
Don’t be a slacker.
If you want your life to land squarely in the profit column then you must joyfully live mach2 with your hair on fire no matter how crummy a hand life has dealt you. When I see the multitudinous goofy and lazy entitlement mentality punks at “work” in restaurants and at retail stores moving like manatees in the intensified gravity of the planet Pluto with no excellence of service and a pouty look on their attitude-laden faces, I kind of . . . sort of . . . get really ticked off when I hear them trying to chisel a slice of Joe’s pie.
Hey, gum smackin’ slacking moron, if you want to get out of the pathetic sponge mode you’re in realize this: Nobody owes you anything.
To cure your mediocre malaise, first go out and buy a Bible. Then take that Bible and smack yourself in the face with it. Do it hard for about ten minutes. After that, start reading the book of Proverbs and see the correlation between wisely working hard and accumulating wealth while simultaneously paying attention to what God says is the fate of idle entitlement-minded dorks. After that join Jenny Craig and remind yourself on a daily basis that our country is all about the pursuit of happiness and not handouts.
Here’s a novel idea: Instead of wanting other people’s money, why not go forth and make your own? Yeah, that’s it . . . get a job. I think the apostle Paul put it succinctly via the inspiration of the Holy Spirit when he wrote in second Thessalonians that if you don’t work, you don’t eat (3:7-12).
Listen, handout Harry and Hilda, as long as an abortion survivor like Gianna Jessen, cancer survivor like Lance Armstrong, extreme amputee athlete like Jarem Frye, and comedian Josh Blue (who has cerebral palsy) can look brutal reality and difficulties in the eye and work and thrive in spite of gargantuan setbacks, then you can get off your couch and at least wash some cars.
I think I speak for all the working hard, playing hard, living and loving sweat-of-the-brow Americans who get up day after day and toil their tails off to those who would like to “spread our wealth” that you can pucker up your socialist lips and (this phrase edited in the interest of being nice).